Toddler Tantrums: Why They Happen and How to Handle Them

Your toddler is crying on the floor of the store, kicking and screaming, and everyone is looking at you. Sound familiar? You are not alone. Tantrums happen in almost every family, and they are a normal part of growing up.

KidsHealth says tantrums can be anything from whining and crying to screaming, kicking, hitting and holding their breath. They are just as common in boys as in girls, and they usually happen between ages 1 and 3. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) says tantrums tend to get better after age 3, but they don't go away completely.

Why do toddlers have tantrums?

Tantrums are how young children show they are upset or frustrated. Toddlers have big feelings, but they don't have the words for them yet. KidsHealth says tantrums are common in the second year of life, when language skills are still growing. As your child learns more words, tantrums tend to happen less.

Some common reasons for tantrums:

• Being tired, hungry or uncomfortable.
• Not getting something they want, like a toy or candy.
• Wanting to do things by themselves. Toddlers want more control than they can handle, and this can lead to power struggles.
• Personality. Some children get upset more easily than others. Some kids have tantrums often, and others rarely do.

How to prevent tantrums

You can't stop every tantrum. But these tips from KidsHealth and the AAP can help you have fewer of them:

• Catch your child being good. Give lots of praise and attention when your child behaves well. Be specific, like "Thank you for sharing the blocks with your sister."
• Give small choices. Let your toddler choose little things, like "Do you want orange juice or apple juice?" or "Do you want to brush your teeth before or after your bath?"
• Keep things they can't have out of sight. This means fewer fights.
• Distract. Offer something else, start a new activity, or move to a different room. The AAP says even singing a silly song can help.
• Know your child's limits. If your toddler is tired, it is not the best time to go shopping. Bring a healthy snack when you go out.
• Make sure your child gets enough sleep. KidsHealth says getting enough sleep can greatly reduce tantrums.
• Choose your battles. Not every little thing needs to be a fight.
• Be consistent. The AAP says being consistent from day to day is key to having fewer and smaller tantrums.
• Help your child use words. Teach simple phrases like "I'm hungry," "I'm tired," "I need help" or "I need a hug."
• Be a good example. Children copy what they see. When you stay calm, they learn to stay calm too.

What to do during a tantrum

Stay calm

This is the most important step. KidsHealth says your job is to help your child learn to calm down, so you need to be calm too. Don't make it worse by getting angry. Take a deep breath.

Think about why it's happening

KidsHealth says to handle each tantrum based on why your child is upset:

• Tired or hungry? It's time for a nap or a snack.
• Wants attention? One of the best ways to stop this is to ignore it.
• Was told no? Stay calm, don't give a long explanation, and move on to another activity.
• Doesn't want to do something? Ignore the tantrum, but make sure your child finishes the task after they are calm.

Don't give in

KidsHealth says giving in to a tantrum only teaches your child that tantrums work. Try your best to keep the same rules each time.

Keep everyone safe

If your child might hurt themselves or others, take them to a quiet, safe place to calm down. The AAP says not to ignore hitting, kicking, biting or throwing. Stop it right away and make it clear it is not OK. You can move your child away from the situation or take away a privilege.

If your toddler keeps doing something unsafe after you tell them to stop, KidsHealth says you can use a short time out. Sit your child on a chair or in a corner for just a few minutes. Stay close by, but don't talk with them until they are calm.

Tantrums in public

Public tantrums can feel embarrassing, but other parents understand. Take your child to a quiet, safe spot away from the crowd, like a corner of the store or your car. Stay calm and wait for the storm to pass.

Make a calm down corner

KidsHealth suggests making a "calm down spot" at home. Use a soft cushion, some books, a stuffed animal and soft music, in a place where no one will bother your child. Invite your child to go there when they feel angry or upset. It should never be a punishment. It is a choice and a chance to learn how to calm down.

After the tantrum

• Praise your child for calming down. Try saying, "I like how you calmed down."
• Give a hug. KidsHealth says this is the time for a hug and to remind your child that you love them no matter what.
• Talk about it. If your child is old enough, help them think of other ways to show their feelings next time.

When to talk to the doctor

KidsHealth says to talk to your child's doctor if:

• You often feel angry or out of control when you deal with tantrums
• You keep giving in to avoid a tantrum
• Tantrums cause a lot of bad feelings between you and your child, or you and your partner
• Tantrums happen more often, get stronger or last longer
• Your child often hurts themselves or others
• Your child argues a lot and hardly ever cooperates

Your doctor can also check for health problems that can add to tantrums, like hearing or vision problems, language delays or a learning disability. This is not common, but it is good to check. For more warning signs, read our post on when to call a doctor.

Songs that can help

Music can help your toddler calm down and learn good habits. A soft song like our By Your Side Lullaby is great for your calm down corner. It says, "Everything is safe and right, I will be here by your side."

Many tantrums start with clean up time or sharing. Our Clean Up Put Your Toys Away song turns clean up into a fun routine, and it even teaches kids, "If I need some help, I can always ask for some." The Sharing Song shows little penguins sharing cookies, toys and smiles, because "sharing will help everyone to get along." You can find more toddler songs on our music page.

If your toddler is biting, read our post on toddlers biting. If tantrums started when a new baby came home, see our tips on helping a toddler with a new sibling.

Questions Parents Ask About Tantrums

At what age do tantrums start and stop?

Tantrums usually happen between ages 1 and 3. The AAP says they tend to get better after age 3, but they don't go away completely.

Are tantrums normal?

Yes. KidsHealth and the AAP both say tantrums are a normal part of child development.

Should I ignore my child's tantrum?

If the tantrum is to get attention, ignoring it is one of the best ways to stop it. But never ignore hitting, biting, kicking or throwing.

Should I give in to stop a tantrum?

Try not to. Giving in teaches your child that tantrums work, so they may have more of them.

Is time out OK for toddlers?

KidsHealth says a time out of just a few minutes can be used if your toddler keeps doing something unsafe. Stay nearby and wait until your child is calm.

How can I stop tantrums in public?

Plan ahead. Go out after naps and meals, and bring a snack. If a tantrum starts, take your child to a quiet, safe place until they calm down.

When should I worry about tantrums?

Talk to your doctor if tantrums get stronger or last longer, if your child hurts themselves or others, or if you feel out of control.

This post is for general information only. It is not medical advice. If you have questions about your child's health, please talk to your child's doctor.